I just posted this for you.
Do You Smell That?
At the end of this story, it gives you two options. I think you will figure out what option I chose.
A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas as the doctor walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing. She was still groggy from surgery.
Her husband, David, held her hand as they braced themselves for the latest news.
That afternoon of March 10, 1991, complications had forced Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo an emergency Caesarean to deliver the couple's new daughter, Dana Lu Blessing.
At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces, they already knew she was perilously premature.
Still, the doctor's soft words dropped like bombs.
"I don't think she's going to make it," he said, as kindly as he could.
"There's only a 10-percent chance she will live through the night, and even then, if by some slim chance she does make it, her future could be a very cruel one."
Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor described the devastating problems Dana would likely face if she survived.
She would never walk, she would never talk, she would probably be blind, and she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental retardation, and on and on.
"No! No!" was all Diana could say.
She and David, with their 5-year-old son Dustin, had long dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become a family of four. Now, within a matter of hours, that dream was slipping away.
But as those first days passed, a new agony set in for David and Diana.
Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system was essentially 'raw', the lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort, so they couldn't even cradle their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the strength of their love. All they could do, as Dana struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in the tangle of tubes and wires, was to pray that God would stay close to their precious little girl.
There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger.
But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and an ounce of strength there.
At last, when Dana turned two months old, her parents were able to hold her in their arms for the very first time. And two months later, though doctors continued to gently but grimly warn that her chances of surviving, much less living any kind of normal life, were next to zero, Dana went home from the hospital, just as her mother had predicted.
Five years later, when Dana was a petite but feisty young girl with glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life. She showed no signs whatsoever of any mental or physical impairment. Simply, she was everything a little girl can be and more. But that happy ending is far from the end of her story.
One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her home in Irving, Texas, Dana was sitting in her mother's lap in the bleachers of a local ball park where her brother Dustin's baseball team was practicing.
As always, Dana was chattering non-stop with her mother and several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly fell silent hugging her arms across her chest, little Dana asked, "Do you smell that?"
Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a thunderstorm, Diana replied, "Yes, it smells like rain."
Dana closed her eyes and again asked, "Do you smell that?"
Once again, her mother replied, "Yes, I think we're about to get wet. It smells like rain."
Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted her thin shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced, "No, it smells like Him.
It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest."
Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down to play with the other children.
Before the rains came, her daughter's words confirmed what Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing the family had known, at least in their hearts, all along.
During those long days and nights of her first two months of her life, when her nerves were too sensitive for them to touch her, God was holding Dana on His chest and it is His loving scent that she remembers so well.
You now have 1 of 2 choices. You can either pass this on and let other people catch the chills like you did, or you can delete this and act like it didn't touch your heart like it did mine.
IT'S YOUR CALL!
"I can do all things in Him who strengthens me."
This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, He saw me, and He asked: "My child, what is your greatest wish for today?" I responded:
"Lord please, take care of the person who is reading this message, their family and their special friends. They deserve it and I love them very much" The love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginning, but not its end.
This message works on the day you receive it. Let us see if it is true.
ANGELS EXIST but some times, since they don't all have wings, we call them FRIENDS.
Pass this on to your true friends. Something good will happen to you at 11:00 in the morning; something that you have been waiting to hear. This is not a joke; someone will call you by phone or will speak to you about something that you were waiting to hear.
Do not break this prayer; send it to a minimum of 5 people.
May I add that I am not advertising religion but merely passing something on that awakened my faith, even if those out there dont believe in this story, without truly seeing the hope and faith wraped all over it. You are welcome to post it wherever.
i've been writing alot of poetry lately which i'll have to post later when i have time. my teacher seems to think that i'm doing well. my life is so much better now that i don't have ap english. i turned 18 yesterday! no one seemed to care but whatever. my brother was on the computer while i was opening my cards and blowing out my candles: that made me feel really special. it's my last bday with my family and he doesn't care. what also sucks is that my permit expired and i don't have a pic id so i can't actually prove my age if i wanted to buy something. we still have 3 puppies so i'm not getting much sleep. that also sucks. the grammy's really sucked on wednesday. mary j. blige ruined the u2 song and i thought greenday would perform but they didn't. my migraine that i've had off and on for the past 2 weeks has started to go away. also my friend is back in school after being out for over a month. she's still sick (kidney stones) but is feeling a little better. she still has the same stone that she had in november. i feel so bad for her because they keep running all sort of tests and they still don't know why she's still got the k. stones. they put her on this really ridiculous diet too, which i don't think she'll follow. its looking like they'll have to manually take the stones out which i can't even imagine having done. yuck. nothing new. no news from scholarships or colleges. hopefully soon! i'm really pissed because i'm a part of vsac which is a state program that helps low income kids get into college, and Bush took the program (and all programs like it nationwide) off the new budget so that he can fund the no child left behind act and the war. it really makes me made because it seems like he doesn't want poor kids to go to college so they'll have to go to iraq. my counselor was telling me how fucked up no child left behind is and how it doesn't really work. all the schools want to get fed. money so they fudge the numbers on how well they're doing. then it looks like more kids are graduating and going to college than there actually are. then programs like vsac seem unnecessary even though we need them more now than ever. it's such a vicious cycle. what kind of future will we have if no on ecan afford college? not much of one!
I have a phone interview with one of my colleges on monday. i'm really nervous. more later hopefully, if my brother isn't being a computer hog...
I'm living with a computer hog. Its so much fun. I haven't done much today. Not much homework to do. Its pretty sad when I don't know what to do with myself when I don't have homework; I'm so used to having it. Wrote some poetry, sat around, listened to music, tried to get rid of my migraine which I've had for a week at least. Whatever, life sucks. Half day on Monday which is nice. I have to schedule my phone interview with NESOP soon. I'm really dreading that. What if I screw up majorly? Puppies cried for 2 hours this morning- really early. I wanted to hurt them. There's only three left which is cool. The one I really like is still left, which surprises me. People are watching tv which makes me want to kill myself, its so loud. My family is so ridiculous. They're all deaf and blind and stupid. It makes it impossible to do anything. Harry Potter (the 1st one) is on. Nice and loud. That movie is so old and dumb. When the 1st book came out I was in 5th grade! Wow. I can't believe that I actually liked it. Anyways... 'nough for now.
My english teacher has been ignoring me lately. I guess he's more childish than I had imagined. I wrote this poem about him yesterday.
Megalomaniac That snake, you know the one, slithers down the hall like nothing happened surprised, childish, arrogant Does it see me? The wall put up in front (of me) suggests a "no"
That spider, you know the one, tried to tangle me in its webb of deceit and lies This fly cannot be caught or pinned down however It sees me but pretends otherwise perhaps to avoid a confrontation that would certainly lead to a spider's entrails hanging from my finger What a thought that I have brought the beast down.
Its not a final draft so it still needs work, but I thought I would share it anyway. Note: I spelt webb wrong on purpose. Independent poetry is going well. Its what I have instead of AP English. Its so much less stressful and I finally have time to write poetry. I used to write poems all the time, like 5 a day, but school got in the way and I stopped writing for about 2 years. So now I have a designated time each day to just write. It will be graded and I have to do a variety of techniques but I think that will make me a better poet in the long run. I'm having so much fun. I love poetry so much. I feel bad for the other girls in my old AP class because they're still in that class doing the poetry project from hell and they're really stressed out. This weekend will be good. Being at home with my family always sucks but at least I won't have a ton of work.
No news from colleges or scholarship committees. That's a bummer. Hopefully soon. Right now I'm waiting to get my letters of recommendation and my transcripts.
I hate having to depend on other people when I could get it done so much faster. I handed in my pics and song for the senior slide show. I ended up going with "Mad World" by Gary Jules. Its such a good song. I'm kind of upset that my parents have absolutely no pictures of me after the age of 7 or so. That's so pathetic and it makes me really mad. I hate that they don't care about me at all. It also really pisses me off that my birthday is next week and they have no money to get me anything OR to pay me back the money they owe me as it is. It's infuriating to know that they buy stupid stuff and act irresposibly and then I pay the price. What's worse is that the money that I gave them to keep the heat on was scholarship money that I won last year and they're refusing to pay it back. What could be more important? Apparently paintball and having fun. I feel like I'm the only grown up living in this house.
More poetry because I don't want to think about my problems anymore:
Light exposed, vulnerable stabbing, piercing, cutting death, melancholy, refuge, life loving, healing, renewing safe, veiled Dark
This poem is done in a style that I don't remember the name of. The point is to go from one idea and then end at a completely opposite idea. You also have to have certian lines for verbs and nouns, etc
rock, hard orange black lines gently placed on my retinas don't belong to me or you glaze upon shine lost no home, abandoned softness, sharp nails, fragile mind, smash it or put a flower in it a poppy or a buttercup or a lily will do a little purity goes a long way a pretty one throw it drop. it casts a shadow therefore it is real
light in me I glow for a lack of something better outside is dirty white frilly curtains, a somber irony that stains my soul's cloth golden lock and handle to keep me blue painted hard wood lacks luster or fragrance I can see trees can they see me? a symbol of my life contained in a capsule: chaotic, disheveled, unorganized, neglected someday I'll open that door and walk away forever
For these two poems I looked at particular objects and wrote down words and phrases that came to mind. After that I took the list and broke it into lines, retaining the original oder. Then I added in things and formatted it to make it into a poem. All of these were done in the last couple of days so noen are final. I'll take any suggestions that you may have. Nothing too mean though.
I've had a horrible day that was also kind of good. You know how I said the poetry project deadlines had been worked out yesterday? Well we all got a surprise today when our teacher took everything back and refused to compromise; the old deadlines were back in place. That was pretty much the breaking point for me. I refused to talk to him and when class was over I went straight to the guidance room to talk to my counselor about dropping the class. I ended up having to wait for about 45 minutes. The entire time I was fuming. By the time I saw her I was a little calmer. She fixed the situation for me. I'm out of that class and I'll be taking an independent poetry class instead. I'll also be able to use that block to work on scholarship essays. That's really cool. When I asked my teacher to sign the form so I could drop the class he acted all surprised and pissy which made me really mad. He knows exactly why I'm dropping his class: he's inconsiderate, insensitive, arrogant, egotistical, unreasonable, unreasonable, unreasonable. Did I mention unreasonable? I'm so happy to finally get out of that class. I spent months trying to reason with him and putting up with his bullshit, and today was just the last straw. A lot of my friends were sad when they found out I was dropping. I think a lot of them will have a hard time without me there because I was kind of the one who told our teacher how ridiculous he was; not that it did any good. I'm going to miss spending 3rd block with them. I think it would be really funny if the whole class quit. I know they can't because they need the credit, but it would be really funny. The rest of my day also sucked because I've had a migraine for at least three days. Its really getting to me: I'm exhausted and worn out from stress and all this pain. When will it stop? I hate always being in so much pain. I actually got some sleep last night though. The puppies slept all night: I was so relieved. Also we got rid of two of them today: the only boy and one of the girls. That makes me happy.
If this headache/neckache would go away I would be thrilled and everything would be close to perfect. I might actually have some time to relax this weekend because I won't have english work which will be cool. More from me later when my brain hemorage wants to cooperate.
You'll be happy to know that my vocab test got canceled. My class and I talked to our teacher and got the poetry project fixed. We're still doing it but we have more time so that's good. Vocab test tomorrow, 75 words I've barely heard of that I have to remember. Who thinks up this bullshit? Some old man with no life. My day was okay but I only got more tired as the day went on. It didn't help that we're learning something completely over my head in chemistry. Major migraine today. When will it stop? Good news being that we might get rid of a puppy soon. I can't wait until they're gone! They're cute but wow, too much. I've narrowed my slide show song down to 3 choices:
Mad World by Gary Jules (from Donnie Darko)
Greatest Day by the Smashing Pumpkins
Miss World by Hole
I feel pretty good about those choices. My mind will probably change in the next five minutes though because I hate making decisions. Dysfunctional, dysfunctional.
I also thought I'd include the poem I have to analyze for AP English. Its by Rainer Maria Milke:
Narcissus Encircled by her arms as by a shell, she hears her being murmur, while forever he endures the outrage of his too pure image...
Wistfully following their example, nature re-enters herself; contemplating its own sap, the flower becomes too soft, and the boulder hardens...
It's the return of all desire that enters toward all life embracing itself from afar... Where does it fall? Under the dwindling surface, does it hope to renew a center?
I really love this poem. Rilke is a German poet, and he's one of my new favorites. I think he's a genius with words. I wish I could read the original in German. I hope the english doesn't lose too much in translation, that would be a shame because the english is just amazing.
I’m in school right now. I usually can’t get on tblog because of the block but somehow I’ve gotten around it because of a link in my email. That’s cool. I’ve cheated the system!! I’m in study hall until 10:35. Its so boring but oh well. I have a vocab test 3rd block and I’m not ready because I’m so tired. The puppies refuse to sleep. We really need to get rid of them. I need sleep so bad. It’s getting to the point that people are coming up to me and asking me if I’m okay. I can barely stay awake during class. Me and my friend are going to gang up on our AP English teacher today. Strength in numbers! Hopefully he’ll give us an extension on our poetry project. We’ll have to make him. The library is pretty crowed right now. I hate that. It feels like I never have any privacy. I want my own little safe spot to just sit and think. But I don’t have one. How sad. Today is going to be a long day. I think I’m getting my brother’s cold. I should kill him. No filters for the darkroom gasmask. We ordered them like a month ago, and they’re still not here. So I’m in study hall. I love photography but I could really use a study hall for college stuff so the filters can take as long as they want to get here. I got some good suggestions about my slide show song. I didn’t even think of OLP even though I love them. I just might go with a song from them. I was watching Rocky Horror on DVD last night. It might be cool to have the chorus of “Time Warp” for my song just to fuck with people’s heads. People in my school aren’t really into RHPS and they would probably be mad…which is what I’m going for. Fuck them. People are leaving the library. That’s cool. Hopefully they won’t be replaced by more idiots. I finished my chem. homework. Stupid stuff like always. I’m getting really bored and I feel myself start to babble so I’ll spare you the pain of listening to me. I’ll be back later don’t you worry. Maybe I’ll have good news…maybe I’ll pass my vocab test. Who knows?
As I am pasting this in I just noticed that I've had 666 visits. Cool.
I begged my principal to give me and my brother the good laptop back. I couldn't stand the other one. That's why I haven't been writing- that computer was SO slow. Now I'm back- hopefully for good. I didn't have a very good day. Mostly because our puppies cry all night and I can't sleep. Its this annoying yipping sound that makes me want to bash their brains out with a hammer. I of course wouldn't, obviously, but still: I need to sleep! That was basically my weekend. We had a late start today at school because of snow. That sucked because I missed study hall. I was so happy to get away from the puppies. My AP English teacher has gone crazy again. He's giving us an insane amount of homework. We have to pick a poet, research their life and work, the time period they wrote, etc, then pick one of their poems to thoroughly analyze, and write a huge paper on the whole thing: in 5 days! Then he wants us to do it all over again for 4 more poets! The worst part is that on the last week we have to do 2 poets instead of one because he's too much of an asshole to give us 5 weeks instead of 4. I think I'm going to go crazy. No one can do all this plus all their other work. Shoot me now, someone. Scholarship searching is going well. No new acceptance letters from colleges, hopefully more will come soon. We're starting to plan graduation and our senior slide show. I need to pick a section from a song to go with my photos. I'm thinking "Mad World" by Gary Jules or "Time Warp" ; from Rocky Horror or something by Marilyn Manson. I'm not really sure. Anyone with ideas please leave a comment. My brother is sick at the moment. I better not get it. He's coughing all over everything. Gross!
I got an "A" on my chem exam. I seriously don't understand it, but that's fine. New girl at my school. She has the same name as me. I really hate my name. I'd like to change it to Ophelia or Morticia. Those are such pretty names. My brother's school took back the laptop so we had to find another one. It isn't nearly as nice: the net is wicked slow and the keyboard is really small so typing is a bitch. So I'll keep this fairly short. Not much happened today. I'm not expecting that anything will ever happen at this point. One of my favorite shows is on tonight: Criminal Minds. I'm getting an "A" in AP English which is cool. Fuck this. I can't think right now.
Tuesday, January 24th, 2006 8:15 pm (because the automatic date and time is wrong and it annoys me). My days are getting to be quite predictable I'm afraid. I'm sorry but I'm going to write about it anyway. Reading Macbeth, it sucks as predicted. Reading Fahrenheit 451, its good as predicted. Found out that we're doing independent reading writeups in class, which sucks because I'm almost done mine already. What a waste of time!!! No idea what my grade is for my chem exam. I almost would rather not know...it could be pretty bad. No filters yet for respirator mask so I can go in the darkroom (the darkroom has really crappy ventilation and the fumes were making me sick). My school obviously doesn't care too much if I get cancer. I feel so loved. Speaking of love my dad has still not congratulated (spelled horribly?) me on my acceptance to Corcoran which makes me feel like shit. More news includes the fact that I got a letter from the Elks Foundation saying that my application for their scholarship was among the ones to move on to the next level of judging. It goes local, state, and nationwide. The max award is $60,000 over 4 years, and I'm one step closer!!! On a frustrating note I left my to-do list, my floppy disks, my homework papers, and some other stuff in the library and I didn't realize until I was home. By the time my mom got home so I could ask her to go the stuff my school was closed for the night. WHICH REALLY SUCKS!!! I also ordered announcements today. I was supposed to get measured for my cap and gown as well, but the guy just asked me my height and weight. He actually looked right at me and was like, "So you're 120 poundes, right?" That isn't an insulting weight or anything, but I thought it was kind of rude for him to make an interjection or a lame guess. (I happen to be 95 pounds). That system seems odd to me though, because what if someone isn't proportionate? You can't just use height and weight ratios to determine the size of someone's gown. And what does any of that have to do with the size of my head? Sounds a bit sketchy to me. Haven't done much since school ended. Homework...as predicted. What an interesting life I lead. I bet you all wait in suspense to read my almost-daily entries. I can just see it now...
So, yeah, I got accepted into the direct entry photography program at Corcoran College of Art and Design. I'm pretty proud of myself because I'm from a small town with vitrually noo art classes and no budget. So that was cool. What was interesting was the fact htat neither one of my parents really had much to say regarding the whole thing. My guidance counselor was more excited than my mom and dad combined. That's a little disturbing in my opinion, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I was a little worried though because Corcoran wanted a decision and $200 in like two weeks, so I had to have my guidance counselor call them and work it out. It's my last choice school but if I can get in there I feel confident about where I stand with my other schools. I;m a little pissed about the Art Institute of Boston though. They amiled me a letter about a week ago saying that they had received my application and would give me a decision in about 2 weeks. Well it's been a month so I decided to email them and find out what was going on. It turns out that they thought they didn't have my SAT scores (they were on my transcript the whole time) and wouldn't look at my application until they had them. They never contacted me though. I had to have my counselor call them and straighten it out. It pisses me off that they could have looked at my app a month ago and now I have to wait ANOTHER 3 weeks for an answer. :( That's pretty much what's going on regarding college stuff.
It was my first real day back since exams. I thought I did really bad on my AP English exam. We had to write 3 essays in 2 hours and I almost died. When I found out that I got a 99 I seriously thought my teacher must have been on drugs. I know my essays were crap so I really don't understand it. I have no idea how I did on my Chemistry exam but definitely not well. We had to do titration, dilution, stiochiomatry (spelling butchered), etc. The whole class did bad because everything on the exam was stuff we had just barely learned a couple weks ago; which I didn't think was fair. I'll probably know my grade this week. A new semester has started. My only change in classes is the end of Comparative Religiona nd the start of Banned Books. I'm excited about that because banned books are the best kind. Its amazing what people will ban. Dr. Seuss? Harry Potter? Judy Blume? Katherine Paterson? How lame can they get? The first book we're reading is Fahrenheit 451, which is supposed to be really good. The only issue I have is that because most of the class is reading, I'm going to be reading three books at a time because I have to do Macbeth and independent reading for AP English. Which really sucks :(
Other news is that tomorrow I'm getting fitted for my cap and gown as well as ordering graduation annoucements. That's exciting because that means I'm almost done!!! I can't wait to graduate. My freind asked me to be on the graduation committee which is cool. I don't want to do it if it's going to be a popularity contest and everyone's against me, but she said it would be a diverse froup of people which is good. I'm kinda bummed though because I think they're going to make me wear white, and I really don't want to. I'm the valedictorian so I should get to wear whatever color I want AKA black. But whatever, screw them all. Just wait until my speech assholes! I would love to tell them all that they were absolutely no competition and they all suck, but I probably wouldn't get my diploma if I did that :(
I'm in!!!!! I just got my acceptance letter to Corcoran College of Art and Design!!!! In washington DC. I'm so excited what else can I say? Congratulations to me, even though its my last choice school. I don't suck at art after all. LOL. This gives me hope that my first choice school will love me too. Now all I need it lots of money!!!
One nation under surveillance. How did our oil get under their sand? Go Solar, not Ballistic. Who Would Jesus Bomb? Start Drafting SUV Drivers Now. It's the oil, stupid. War is expensive, Peace is priceless. Read between the Pipelines
Don't Arm a Son of a Bush Don't do it George, Dad will still love you. Power to the Peaceful The last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40 years.
Homophobes for Homeland Security Bush and Dick in Every Home
How is My Leadership Call 1-800-IAM-AWOL Missin' Accomplished
Bush: Me Worry, Blacks and Gays Only Get Three-Fifths of a Vote Right?
Homo-land Security - Making America Safe for Heterosexuals
If Time and Space are Curved Where Do All the Straight People Come From?
Tell Me Straight We Have to Hide Our Sexuality While You Do What?
When Did You Choose Heterosexuality?
"Practice Abstinence - No Bush. No Dick"
I found these online and thought I'd share them with you. Enjoy!
This happened and was written Friday (1-20-06) and describes what I was talking about last night (Saturday) 1-21-06, but didn't have time (or privacy) to go into details.
The transformation of my brother into my father is complete. He actually said to me that he would tell me how much time I could have on the computer, and that if I didn't get off when he told me to that he would unplug it. He then went on to call me a bitch, a liar, and a wild animal. By the time he was through I was sobbing and on the brink of slitting his throat. He has perfected the technique of twisting people's words and playing with their minds until they're screaming for him to leave them alone and its the perfect time for him to act all innocent, tell them they're losing their minds, and to get control of themselves. He basically makes it look to my parents like I'm crazy, unreasonable, and irrational- all because he's so good at what he does. It infuriates me so much that he could be so disrespectful to me. He claims that because he paid for part of the internet that he can dictate when, how long, etc I use it. He was calling me all kinds of names and telling me I HAD to do what he said. He sounded so typical of that kind of guy- the kind who will start by controlling his sister and then will go on to control and abuse his wife and kids. AKA my father. Why do guys have to be this way? All I wanted was to use the computer- he'd already been on for more than four hours and would stay on until at least 1 pm. Why does he have to be so selfish and why do my parents think its so funny that he hurts me? The entire time I was begging him to just leave me alone and to stop being mean, but he wouldn't stop. I got so fed up that I shut the computer down and told him to fuck himself. I told him that he wasn't going to control me and that people like him didn't deserve to be born. Him and my parents just sat there laughing. What did I do to deserve this? All I know is that I will never end up with a guy like my dad or my brother, and that I'll never be like my mom. There really are people who are a waste of precious space- people like my family.
my brother actually has the adacity to be on the computer for 6.5 hours and when I ask to be on for 2 hours he flips out, calls me unreasonable and a bitch, and tells me I have no right to be on the computer at all. he's been trying to control me for the past two days. This is like the 3rd time he's fucked with my head and made me start balling my brains out. I wrote about this in my diary (on paper) last night, in more detail. I plan on posting it and other details tomorrow. I can't tonight because he's keeping tabs on what I'm doing and has put me on a time limit. How pathetic can he get? AND he's a year younger than me.
MY CUSTOMIZED BLOG IS GONE!!! AND I CAN'T GET IT BACK! I SPENT SO MUCH TIME WORKING ON IT FOR NOTHING AND NOW I'M REALLY PISSED. IS ANYONE ELSE HAVING THIS PROBLEM?
I'm rather tired and quite bored but I haven't written in awhile so what the hell. I got 3 cds a few days ago: Once Again With Feeling (Placebo's singles), Awake (Live's greatest hits) and Holy Wood (who doesn't worship Marilyn Manson?). They are all excellent, especially Placebo. I had only heard a few of their songs before getting the album. I'm really glad I did though because it's fucking amazing. Does anyone else think Brian Molko is fucking hot? He has a great voice too. I've applied to four more scholarships in the past 2 days or so. I'm pretty proud of myself. Hopefully I'll actually get some money for all this hard work. 1/2 day tomorrow, that'll be nice. No school Monday, and then exams start :( Why me??? I'm still sick. My nose has been running non stop all week. Thank God my migraine eased up a little. I thought my head was about to explode. My school is taking our laptop back soon (they gave it to my brother after his accident). That's really frustrating because it makes writing schol. essays so much easier. Hopefully we can find a used one for cheap. Also my parents love each other again. I wish they'd stop going in circles and putting me in the middle of things all the time. I wish they'd either stay together or get a divorce. I'm so sick of all this in between shit. It sickens me to watch them together because I don't think any of it is real.
Other than that, I'm tired and I don't feel like writing anymore...
I've had a migraine since 2 pm yesterday. Enough said....
I don't feel well at all...I didn't get any sleep...I was cold all night...I'm stressed about midterms/school/scholarsh ips/college...my eyes hurt...my neck hurts...puppies are annoying...chemistry is incomprehensible...I'm barely awake...
Do you have anything you'd like to add? Feel free...
Apparently knocking on wood did me no good at all. I should know better than to think that I could possibly ever be happy. My dad has conveniently decided that he hates me and doesn't want to take any responsibility for me whatsoever. He's the one with a job, yet he's refusing to help pay for college deposits, graduation announcements, senior pictures, paying me back the money he owes me, etc. My mom is the one without a job because my dad complains whenever she works, yet she's the one who has to help me with all of this stuff. Where the fuck does he get off? How can you just decide that you aren't responsible for your daughter anymore? I feel so bad for my mom. My dad is such an asshole. He makes everything so hard for her. He made sure she couldn't go to college and get a good job. He made sure she had no money so she had to borrow from her family. Then he cut her off from her family. He made sure she didn't have friends or anyplace to go if he kicks her out. He made sure it would be hard for her to leave, especially because me and my brother need her (my dad won't buy groceries, cook supper, bring us to school,etc.) He's made everything impossible for us. And him and my brother are fucking best friends. It makes me so sick. And if my mom leaves and I stay here the two of them will gang up on me and make my life hell. It sure wouldn't be the first time.
On another note I'm sick and couldn't sleep AT ALL last night. I have a sore throat and I think its because of our furnace. I'm not really sure. On top of that my brother stayed up until 1 am, the phone kept ringing, my brother's puppies were barking all night, and on top of that my gram came up to visit at like 9 am. It's like, what the fuck! It seems like I never get any sleep, and I can already tell the next 2 weeks are going to suck. I have almost no time left before 5 scholarship deadlines pass and I have midterms the week after that. I really want to crawl away and never come back. Plus I wanted to work on school stuff today which my brother knew. But he conveniently forgot to tell my that his friend was coming over today to watch a motocross race. I even said this morning I wanted to use the computer to work on my paper and he wouldn't get off. Then when he does let me on his friend gets here and it's impossible to work. You' d have thought he'd let me on while its quiet, especially since he wasn't doing anything important. But he's a dick like that.
New pics for you guys to see. The first one was a flower and a doorstep that I manipulated in photoshop. The second one is a rotten clementine that my clss called Bob. Enjoy! Let me know what you think...
Not much happened today. I got out of school early b/c my brother had physical therapy. He just got home. Haven't been too stressed out. Got my letters of rec and everything else I needed for scholarships, so I'm in a pretty good mood right now. Lots of writing to do this weekend. I hate essays. I'm so burnt out on writing that it sickens me to think that I'll never get a break from it. Not much else at this point. Hopefully I'll have a chance to read Violin later. It's a good book, not A. Rice's best but oh well. I started a couple nations on nationstates.net. That's a very cool game. Me and my friend Alison just started our own region. I got the link from coveredinpaint's blog. Anyone who's political should try it.
It's strange how some days fly by uneventful and unnoticed while others crash and burn around you, leaving you numb with shock and pain.
My day was fairly uneventful. I can't wait for the weekend. The quality of tomorrow and therefore my mood will depend on whether or not my teachers get my letters of rec done so I can do scholarship stuff on Saturday. I haven't done much today except my FAFSA and VSAC Grant application. Those were long and tedious. At one point I thought that my FAFSA had been erased (I was doing it online) and I just wanted to die. Thank god it was still there.
I think my dad has a screw loose more than ever. I was airing my lunchbox out on the counter because it kind of smelled from the galic and basil cheese I had for lunch. So I had left it open. Today when I went to eat my lunch I noticed there was a pack of cigarettes in there! I don't smoke and never will, and knew my dad had done it. What was he thinking? I could have gotten in so much trouble! And I knew it wasn't an accident because they were under all the food I had put in there the night before. Could he get more childish? I think not.
I'm really tired so I won't write much more. Hope your life isn't as pathetic and boring as mine. Maybe something awesome will happen tomorrow. Hey, don't laugh! It COULD happen!
I'M SO TIRED! My day was so long. I didn't think I'd ever get out of school. AP English went a little bit better, but almost not enough to matter. I'm so worried about my chemistry exam. I don't remember anything about naming/balancing equations or sig figs.
I don't really have all that much to say. But I feel like talking or writing so you'll have to bear with me...or choose not to, I guess.
My dad is still not talking to me. He's such a prick. I'm pissed because he wants to let my brother go to Switzerland on a school trip, but he never let me go on any of the trips I wanted to go on. I had a chance last year to spend 2 weeks in Germany and he refused ot let me go. I also had like 5 chances to go to conferences and workshops all over the United States because of my grades and he refused to let me go to any of them either. Let me also mention that I'm a year OLDER than my brother. I know my dad favors my brother in anything and it bugs me so bad. He actually said that he wished he sent me to Germany and I might not have come back. What kind of father says that to his daughter?
It gets worse. He's also threatening to not pay me back the $2200 he owes me. This really worries me because I need that money for college. I need money for my cap, gown, grad. announcements, yearbook, college deposits, etc. HE'S SUCH A PRICK! That's another thing. My parents aren't doing anything to help me apply to college/get scholarships, etc. I've had to do everything myself. On top of that my dad refuses to be quiet so that I can get all that work done that he refuses to help with. Then he has the nerve to claim that I got my brains from him when he didn't even finish high school. I've been severly depressed for 6 years without any help and I still managed to get a 4.0 GPA. Fuck him. I did everything myself without a loving and supporting family, a family who hindered me in everything I strove to achieve. Fuck them all. For them to say they did anything for me is such a slap in the face. I got here because of my own inner strength. I didn't get anything from them. My father can't even provide heat and food for his family- turns out the state is doing that for him. Some man, eh! He's such a little boy who would rather play paintball and buy expensive toys than help his daughter go to college, let alone feed and clothe his family. I can't wait to graduate. I'm going to have so much better than my mom. I'm never going to fall into the trap of being used and abused. Never will I let myself be treated like shit so some asshole can feel good about himself.
I hate school. I hate writing papers. I hate life. I hate my parents. I hate my classmates. I hate being poor. I hate trying to pay for college. I hate stupidity. I hate hypocrisy. I hate everything. I hate pain and suffering. I hate unfairness. I hate noise. I hate people who con't see the big picture.
What a day. I flipped out on my AP English teacher today. I basically told him that he was rude, irrational, insensitive, and illogical. I was so pissed off that I started crying. I feel like all the schoolwork is literally killing me, and I don't think I can handle it any longer. The thought of midterms makes me want to puke. I have an exam in CP chemistry and I don't remember half the stuff, which really worries me. I also have a 3 hour exam in AP english-I have to write 3 essays! I think I might die.
My morning didn't start well either. My brother and mom went to physical therapy and my dad was entrustd with getting me up and taking me to school. What a joke. It "forgot" to wake me up, and then called me a snotty brat and refused to take me to school. When he finally decided to take me he wouldn't let me touch his truck and yelled at me when my b-pack touched the dashboard. He really has a screw loose. He hasn't been talking to me and my mom. I have no idea what his problem is. More later. I don't have much privacy right now.
Wow. What a horrible day I had. My fucking school was SO cold and I was shivering all day. I spent the whole day doing work and college stuff. I got my vsac stuff and talked to my guidance counselor. I hope to do my fafsa soon so I can get that over with. I'm getting really shaky and dizzy because I haven't eaten since last night. Its really sick that I don't have time to eat because of school. To add salt to my wounds my AP english class is soooo fucking lazy. We had reading due before x-mas break so I did it. No one else did it so they got an extension until after break. We get back and their still not done, so they get another extension with no penalty, and I don't even get extra credit. We also had independent reading due today so I got it done. Half the class didn't do it and they get an extension. What the fuck do I get? I don't know why this happens but it always does. It might be because my teacher is as lazy as everyone in my class. He didn't do anything school related over break. THEN he said that he wanted us to meet OUTSIDE of class to work on the multiple choice section of the AP test because we don't have enought time in class. I almost snapped. THe whole reason we don't have time is because we talked about WEDDINGS the ENTIRE class today. No fucking joke. The two acts of violence I could condone would be someone killing PRes. Bush and someone killing this teacher. I can't fathom whose dick he had to suck to become a teacher.
Other than that not much has happened today. I only got home from school a couple hours ago. I'm hungry and tired. I almost couldn't get up this morning. WE got info on our caps, gowns, announcements today. They're so expensive. It's outreagous how much money companies make off seniors. Soon it will all be over. Boston here I come!
No idea what my grade is for my chem exam. I almost would rather not know...it could be pretty bad. No filters yet for respirator mask so I can go in the darkroom (the darkroom has really crappy ventilation and the fumes were making me sick). My school obviously doesn't care too much if I get cancer. I feel so loved. Speaking of love my dad has still not congratulated (spelled horribly?) me on my acceptance to Corcoran which makes me feel like shit. More news includes the fact that I got a letter from the Elks Foundation saying that my application for their scholarship was among the ones to move on to the next level of judging. It goes local, state, and nationwide. The max award is $60,000 over 4 years, and I'm one step closer!!! On a frustrating note I left my to-do list, my floppy disks, my homework papers, and some other stuff in the library and I didn't realize until I was home. By the time my mom got home so I could ask her to go the stuff my school was closed for the night. WHICH REALLY SUCKS!!! I also ordered announcements today. I was supposed to get measured for my cap and gown as well, but the guy just asked me my height and weight. He actually looked right at me and was like, "So you're 120 poundes, right?" That isn't an insulting weight or anything, but I thought it was kind of rude for him to make an interjection or a lame guess. (I happen to be 95 pounds). That system seems odd to me though, because what if someone isn't proportionate? You can't just use height and weight ratios to determine the size of someone's gown. And what does any of that have to do with the size of my head? Sounds a bit sketchy to me. Haven't done much since school ended. Homework...as predicted. What an interesting life I lead. I bet you all wait in suspense to read my almost-daily entries. I can just see it now...
